Gone Till November...

I started this as note in my phone with.the hopes that the words would just flow. But they aren't moving thru my mind like I hoped, so I'm just going to go with whatever comes out my figurative mouth.

If you know me, or even know I exist, you know that I've been in contest prep mode since March. Damn near the entire year, I've been at this. Starting at 190 or so lbs down to my current, It's been a long road, and has certainly had its ups and downs. I'm 3 & 4 weeks out from my last two shows of the year. I've been reflecting on the process a lot more because, believe it or.not, It's a very draining process.. not only physically, but emotionally and mentally. Anyone can go to the gym, train like an animal and go home. Training is the EASY part. The difficultly lies in committing one's self to restrictive dieting, immense cost, and constant merciless, brutally honest scrutiny by coaches, judges, peers and the worse of all, yourself.

When you compete, not a day goes by you don't look in the mirror and cuss. No matter what anyone else says, you will ALWAYS see failure, room for improvement, weaknesses. It stares back at us, and we look back at it. Wondering what we can do, how we can make it better. In my case, I feel like I have a stubborn body that doesn't respect my struggle for the level.of leanness I need. In reality, who's body really wants to be competition lean? 4-8% body fat? Really though? Lol...

Although I love this challenge, this process is.enough to drive a sane person.to the brink of institutionalization. I've have to force myself to not check the scale every day or check out my abs every time I'm in the bathroom (ok, I look occasionally.. don't judge me). It would literally drive me bat shit crazy. Everyone wants a six pack... Lol.. but once you get it, its hell maintaining it and you constantly check.for it.. lol. Don't believe me? Ask any competitor.

Mentally, you have to be tough because the sacrifice and discipline is immense. I'm always hungry. I pass people eating, good restaurants and it takes a hell of a lot of willpower to keep on walking.. You give up a lot to gain a lot... well, in the hopes of gaining a lot. Things you never suspected start to haunt you and strike fear into your heart. I'm terrified of my scale..  and equally scares of my email account.. awaiting the email from my coach after check in is always a nail biter. I usually make sure.I'm ready to hear what he has to say, good or bad. Also, money is a stressor.. Food is expensive. Protein powder, supps, then you have your bills,... A lot of us have rent, student loans, etc.. plus the costs of shows, traveling, suits, and lil extras add up. If you knew how much Nationals is costing me.. Good lawd.. I'm coming homw with SOMEONES proc card! LOL .. I kid, I kid..  In a way, you mentally withdraw from life, and operate on auto-pilot... Eat, sleep, cardio, train... Not.necessarily in.that order, but those become engrossing priorities. Not family, not fun, but PROGRESS becomes the ultimate.goal..

So much more than dieting this gets emotional.  It can be quite a roller coaster ride. Hormones are ties to.nutrition and plus, heavy training and cardio with LIFE added in, equals stress. I've cried more times during this prep than.I care to.admit. at home, at work, on a treadmill.. you name it. Sometimes I all want to do is lay down somewhere and cry. Even though you know it doesn't help, but it gets out the frustration, the pain, the hurt, the everything when there is nowhere left for it to go. Plus, the stress of not being in control.. you depend.on your coach to make your life/body decisions for you. That's an awful lot of trust to give, especially when you're a.control freak like me. Thankfully, I have the utmost faith in Shelby, my coach. He's been the best and.I can talk to him about ANYTHING. That's another.thing... Dealing with a bad coach can be stressful. Yeesh.... Depression and melancholy are common issues, esp with athletes.

Most of you who read this will.never understand. What we put our minds and bodies thru for weeks, months, years for a level.of greatness that eludes most. This process is very lonely... Even if you're married, engaged, in a group of competitors..  you are alone. Lifting the weight, eating tiny meals, alone with your feelings and thoughts. It's hard to explain to outsiders because.it sounds like complaining. But we really just want.you to listen. To sympathize. We know you can't make it better, lol... We just need to get it odd our chest. It occupies too much mind space...  There are a lot of people who, innocently enough, try to help.. 'its temporary!', 'you'll be fine, you can do it!' But when everyday, every weigh in, you feel like you can't do it. Like you have failed.... I know I feel that way about 16 hours of the day. like.I didn't DO enough...
But every day, every year, we do.it again. Because we know we can.


I know I can. And I will... Cause that's what champions do...

L.